Life happens for us - we design every single element of our life.
I want to talk about this weird fascination we seem to have developed where our partners must be our EVERYTHING. They need to be our gym buddy, our coach, our motivator, our source of happiness, our dinner date, our travel partner and everything in between.
You don’t have to be your partner’s everything. Relationships are not there to make you happy.
The reality is, if you weren’t happy prior to the relationship, you won’t be happy in the relationship.
Two individual people come together and connect with each other in a way that enhances their lives - now this is the way that it should be, not to mesh into one person. They are independent in their thinking, thoughts and in their life desires, wants and needs, so when they come together in a romantic relationship, they are better for it. And there is no push-pull - where you feel as though your partner must make you happy and meet all of your needs and desires. Otherwise, you will find that you are constantly wanting them to behave a certain way.
As humans we have the desire to connect with other people. We have needs, human needs, and then we have desires or WANTS.
So let’s talk about our basic human needs first:
When we look at these basic human needs, we can see here that most of these are actually requirements in order for us to survive - not just thrive. But here at Flourish and Fulfilled, we are all about living the most optimal, flourishing lives possible - so I want to direct you all onto desires. These are our wants - they are not essential to us being alive, however without our desires being fulfilled or met, we will always feel unhappy, unloved or unsatisfied in our lives.
However I want to stress here, we often attempt to have everyone of our desires met with one specific person, like let’s say we want our partner to be someone we:
- Laugh with
- Have deep conversations with
- Workout with
- Work alongside
- Travel with
- Sex with
- Raise kids with
So we have all these desires for connection - and we try to get these met by one person. But by placing all your connection needs on one person, this adds a huge burden to the relationship and creates a lot of pressure to get your needs met, and when the other person perhaps doesn’t meet your expectations or that person does it out of obligation, it will create resentment.
So how can we live a life of total fulfilment whilst still getting our needs and desires met?
We can seek these connections with coaches, friends, or family, once we actually know what our desires truly are.
Intimate romantic relationships should be based on ONE factor only. Your ability to love them. Are they easy to love? Can you love them easily?
That is the basis. That’s it.
You do not receive love from another human being.
Love is something you FEEL because of what you think. Your perception. It’s not based on how THEY feel.
Remember that you and you partner could be having dinner and you FEEL so loved by them and in that moment, they do not FEEL that way - however from the way you are perceiving and receiving the information through your brains filtering system, you are FEELING loved - from your own THOUGHTS.
Another example: if your partner experiences love for you - that’s his feeling, his perception - not yours.
However if I feel that love - it is my THOUGHT that made me feel that way, not their thoughts.
If your partner's entire job is just to be them and your entire job is to just love them - that’s it.
So with that then, how do we pick who to be with then?
Regardless of whether you decide to stay or go, it is entirely up to what you WANT.
Your choice. You can leave or stay at any time. Because you WANT to.
But if you leave a relationship because you want someone to love you more, then you may find that you will always be challenged.
If you leave because you want to be happier, you will always be challenged because you’re expecting that person to provide that.
You may feel like a person makes you happy, it is because YOU are choosing happy thoughts when you’re with that person. Not that person changing how you feel directly.
YOU ARE CHOOSING YOUR THOUGHTS.
Until you let that sink in, you will always be chasing something - it might be the next car, the next job, or promotion, or clothing or partner - until you realise you are choosing your thoughts, it will always be a feeling of unfulfillment.
Now if you are in a relationship, you can certainly ask someone how you wish them to show up in the relationship, however do not be disappointed if they do not meet your needs, as you are asking this person to change.
So if you feel like this person is doing things that you are finding hard to love them entirely - maybe they stay back at work, or don’t take you to dinner - or your desires aren’t being met, you can ask for certain desires that you wish to connect deeper on. Perhaps you want to train with your partner however your partner doesn’t want to train with you and that makes you miserable as he loves to train with his male friends at night and you train in the morning - it will cause resentment in your relationship rather than building that connection as that’s not truly what he wants to do so you can certainly ask your partner to fulfil your desires however do not be disappointed. You cannot try to control anyone or try to change people. Love them as they are.
However if you ask your partner to do something and you both are happy to do those things - aka date night once per week - that is a great desire being met within the romantic relationship.
However it is important to note here, don’t compromise on the things you hate doing or don’t want to genuinely do - but speak your mind or what you want. If you do the things you do not want to do- it WILL cause resentment.
The other big thing to understand is why you want people to behave in certain ways? What are your desires? Understanding you is just as important here - making sure you are asking for what you want from a place of abundance - not fear, insecurity.
What are your desires and why? Are they coming from a place of love and healing?
Always make sure you know your why for your desire. Because if we don’t know WHY our desires are there, we may never reach the end goal we are chasing.
Write out your ultimate desires - regardless of if you are in a relationship or not. What your heart of hearts truly desires - it could be:
- You want to go on a date night 2 times per week
- You want to have deep connection each night
- You want to travel once a month
- You want to workout each morning with someone
Whatever it is for you - write them down.
Then from there, tick off where your partner actually likes and would want to do these things - or are happy enough to do them - again, not from a place of resentment or obligation.
Let’s just say here they don’t want to workout in the morning, they prefer nights - that is not a match, so that means you need to find that connection in someone else.
Match them together and see where you align on your desires.
If you are dating someone - this is a great way of navigating the things you really want in a relationship, as a way of seeing a future for compatibility. If you are single, do this for potential partners.
If there is a bunch of misalignment, and very few matches, you may run into this problem where you are both wanting things and need to get these connections from other people.
Workout what are deal breakers - let’s say it is being in a monogamous relationship. Is that a deal breaker for you?
Remembering that it must be a match not what you’re wanting them to do but them not actually wanting to do that.
Don’t use the misaligned or non-desire matches as an ultimatum, obligation or threat, as it will disconnect you not deepen the connection. It must come from an authentic place.
If it doesn’t match - then there are other ways to fulfil your desires and needs.
Remember, you are in charge of your life and thus, taking care of your own needs. THEN, getting fulfilment knowing your other connections are providing a lot of your needs and desires.
What other connections do I want to deepen in my life to fulfil my life and enrich my life even further through other people other than in my romantic life?
If you have a wish list or desire you want to be fulfilled in your life - ask your partner if they would WANT to do it - not WOULD they do it. As we must never coerce or threaten people to be what we wish them to be. This is very important to be honest with ourselves of what our desires are in order to reach fulfilment.
If you haven’t previously done your ideal partner list, this would be a great place to start.
Our desires are a roadmap to our ultimate happiness. Find your aligned connections in all areas of your life so your feel so fulfilled. Honour your wants and deepest desires.
I dive deeper into this topic in my Flourish & Fulfilled Podcast - you can listen here.